The Importance of Pronouns and Self-Education
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With the evolution of language and identities, gender pronouns will also inevitably evolve. As Pride month is just around the corner, questions about pronouns are coming up more and more. Naturally, people will have questions about things they do not understand. Rather than bombard your nonbinary friends with questions that could cause harm, we are here to help.
I will start with a moment of vulnerability. In my ignorance, I assumed all neopronouns — like zi/zer and fae/faer — recently emerged. A kind and caring friend quickly educated me. Yes, the more commonly known neopronouns may be more recent. Yet, neopronouns themselves have been around for far longer than most think. A quick search online took me on a detailed history of neopronouns that goes back as far as the 1300s. Neopronouns are a more diverse set of new (neo) pronouns used in place of the three most common ones (she, he, and they) when referring to a person.
In the end, the critical thing to remember is respect and empathy. We may not understand the diversity of pronouns, and that is perfectly okay. What connects us all is that we know what it is like to feel loved, hurt, welcomed, excluded, and respected. When someone shares their pronouns with you, respect what they share and roll with it. Why does this matter? Because pronouns are a simple way to help gender-diverse people feel safe and welcomed. Getting into the habit of introducing your pronouns along with your name is another great way to show your support. It is a simple practice that will go far in creating a sense of safety and belonging.
As you dive more deeply into the world of pronouns, please note that there has been a recent shift away from the term "preferred gender pronouns" to just "pronouns." Similarly, there has been a shift away from "preferred names" to "chosen names." The term "preferred" implies that gender identity is a choice, which it is not. So please, air on the side of inclusivity and belonging by avoiding the implication that someone's gender identity is a choice.
Everyone is bound to slip up now and again when using other people’s correct pronouns, especially if it’s a newer practice for you. It does not mean you are a terrible person. It means you’re a human living in a society that treats binary gender roles as the norm. If you catch yourself using the wrong pronouns (or if someone corrects you), there is no need for a profuse or drawn-out apology. It will make it far more awkward and painful for the other person. When you do slip up, offer a brief apology, switch to the correct pronoun, and continue the conversation.
As another point of vulnerability, I admit that I have learned about assuming pronouns and apologizing painfully the hard way. A while back, I was on a call with a new collaborative partner, and my supervisor at the time arrived late to the call. I introduced my supervisor to the person on the phone. Based on their name and the sound of their voice, I assumed they identified as a woman. Without asking about their pronouns, I introduced them with she/her pronouns. They quickly corrected that they use they/them pronouns. The apology was more awkward than it needed to be because of how profuse it was. Even though they took it with grace, I could feel the pain coming through the phone. It was not the first time I screwed up on someone’s pronouns, and I work every day to reduce the chance I do it again. If you work on using pronouns correctly, it will become easier for you, too. We are all on this learning journey together!
Need to learn more about pronouns? Here are some resources to get you going:
My Kid is Gay’s Defining: Neopronoun - a guide to defining and using neopronouns
Out & Equal's What's Your Pronoun? Strategies for Inclusion in the Workplace
A Guide to Neopronouns by The New York Times
26Health's Pronoun Primer for the Uninitiated
